QUICK WHIT

TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME

1.  A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

2.  ”I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.”

3.  ”Dyslexic man walks into a bra”

4.  A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!”

5.  A classic Tommy Cooper gag ”I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays”, was fifth.

6.  Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

7.  Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married.  The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.

8.  Another one was:  Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked.  ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.

9. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

10.  A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ”Pint please, and one for the road.”

11.  I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite.

12.  My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

13.  I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ”He’s trying to pull a fast one”.

14.  A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

15.  There’s two fish in a tank, and one says ”How do you drive this thing?”

16.  I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

17.  When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ”I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband”.

18.  ”My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”

19.   I rang up British Telecom, I said, ”I want to report a nuisance caller”, he said ”Not you again”.

20.   I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

21.   A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ”I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything”

22.  Slept like a log last night…….. Woke up in the fireplace.

23.  A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ”Is this some kind of joke?”

24.  A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ”Sorry we don’t serve food in here”

25.  The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ”Did you get my drift?”.

26.   I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

27.  Went to the paper shop – it had blown away.

28.  A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ”But why?” they asked, as they moved off. ”because,” he said ”I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

29.   I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ”Are you two an item?”

30.   I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite……… one jar.

31.  So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ”Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said, ”Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”.

32.  Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ”Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here”

33.  I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

34.  There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

35.  I went down the local supermarket, I said, ”I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got lumps in it”, he said, “Those are pickled onions”.

36.  I backed a horse last week at ten to one.  It came in at quarter past four.

37.   I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ”may contain nuts.” Well, YES! That’s what I bought the buggers for! You’d be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!”

38.   A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster

39.  My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife’ll look at me and go, ”Who’s that calling at this time?’ ”I don’t know! If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone!”

40.  I said to this train driver ”I want to go to Paris”. He said ”Eurostar?” I said, ”I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”.

41.   Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

42.  I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel.

43.  You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter.

44.  A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ”I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

45.   I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

46.   I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

47.   So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

48.   Went to the corner shop – bought 4 corners.

49.  A seal walks into a club…

50.   I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, ‘Go to Bournemouth, it’s great for flu’. So I went  –  and I got it.

 

Generous lawyer
A local Lions Club realized that the club had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.”Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the the old sponsorship manager mumbled, “Um … no.”

The lawyer interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken old man began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

“or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated bloke, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.””No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”

The man replied, “She should. She was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. “Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. “And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

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